Gothic carving

Gothic carving
Vision of Music

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Waiting for the New Year

As the year draws to a close, I have a confession to make. 
            My biggest problem is that I am perfect.  Seriously, deep down, I seldom see my actions as anything other than exactly what is called for.   Everything about me is perfect, I read the right books, love the best music, and have a long and entertaining history of life choices.  Most people go into analysis to cure their faults.  If I went I would be at a loss to define any faults.  What would I say; help me, I’m perfect?

            It will come as no surprise to hear that my opinion is not shared by those who know me.  My husband used to say that I suffered from delusions of grandeur and he was only half kidding.  My daughter would tell you I obsess about clutter and hang my clothes by color.  Those people I used to work with would tell you I was driven, nose to the grindstone and always ahead of the game, sadly, not always the right game.  Friends would say I am great at trivia but not so great at remembering birthdays.  I will admit this last observation is true.  I have one of those trick memories that stores every work I have ever read, every song I have ever heard.  How many people do you know that can tell you who played the Humpty Dumpty in the 1933 version of Alice in Wonderland?  Give up?  W.C. Fields.  Why do I know this?  I never saw the movie, the information is just there, in my perfect memory.

            It’s hard to be perfect, always making allowances for those less gifted, trying to be open minded and engaging when deep down I sometimes feel like I am living in an alternate universe where I am the only one who knows what is going on.  I once spent an entire summer trying to develop faults, trying to modify my character to something less assuming, less inverted with no luck.  I just ended up with a bad case of insomnia and not a clue about anything else.

            The more I think about this, the more I think we all see ourselves as perfect.  We might say, for discussions sake, I ate too much, read the wrong books, nag when I should keep my mouth shut but deep down, inside where the ‘I' of us is most secure, do we really believe we have imperfections or do we think it is the way we are perceived that is in error?  Maybe we are all perfect; we are just not admitting it.

 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

No Earthly Reason

When I started this blog, it was my intention to post every day, then every week, well maybe once a month and it has finally boiled down to this.  I post when something, good or bad, really draws my attention.  Today a really bad news item has me thinking about my ‘fellow’ man as in “What a piece of work is man.”.

A local seventy four year old widow had her only means of transporting her adult mentally challenged son stolen.  The item was a seven year old van equipped with a motorized lift.  The son is also physically handicapped and cannot get in and out of a vehicle by himself.  His mother cannot lift him into a vehicle.  This act and its aftermath is so disturbing on so many levels, that I hardly know where to start.

Why would anyone steal a seven year old vehicle unless it was just a malicious act?  Why is the widow’s insurance company unable to supply a lift along with the replacement vehicle they provided while police search for her van?  My guess is, lifts are not covered, we don’t care if you starve to death because you can’t leave your son alone and you can’t take him out.  Why does a local van dealer stop by to suggest that entering a contest to win a new van in August is the answer?  I live in a large metropolitan area and I would think, if nothing else, perhaps the city could release one of those impounded vans we are always reading about, as in city collects exorbitant fees for operation of abandoned and impounded car storage, fit it with a lift and help the lady out.

I hope that as the days pass,  I will read that this womans van has been found or replaced.  Right now, I am feeling less than charitable towards whoever disabled this womans life.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What you see...

I was four when I met my step sister.  She was sixteen and movie star beautiful.  The year was 1946.  My father, a wonderful mystery to me, had just returned from Germany.  The war was over.  My step sister came to live with us as a result of her own war with my paternal grandmother who raised her.  For this account, I will call her Lily but that is not her real name.  Lily was very good at getting what she wanted and what she wanted was everything.


Lily and my mother did not get along, but my father wanted us to bond so he let Lily take me everywhere, to the skating rink, to the park, even to secret meetings with her current boyfriends.  I was thrilled that someone so beautiful could be my sister,


Our town was too small to keep Lily for long and soon she disappeared in the middle of the night.  My father was hurt, my mother was relieved, and I was heartbroken.


Fast forward to the year 1961.  Lily returned, still beautiful, now divorced and leading a parade of would be suitors around our town.  She became my sister again, this time trying to drag me into her world which revolved around jazz, great clothes, bourbon and good times. She was what gossips meant when they said a woman was ‘fast’.  I was shy, nearsighted, and definitely not beautiful so I basked in her light and loved her again.
 

Within a few months she had managed to marry into a wealthy family with the bonus of owning a liquor store.  This marriage lasted twelve years and ended when she fell in love with someone else, who had even more money.  Along the way, she had one son who grew up to be just as good looking and charismatic as his mother.


I married in 1962 and left my town.  I divorced in 1972 and moved again.  In 1973, I meant the man I would spend the rest of my life with.


In 1981, my father died and I went home for the funeral.  I had not seen or heard from Lily for almost twenty years. She was still the larger than life person I remembered, trying to take over the funeral plans and position herself in the center of attention as if my father were only her father.  Yet, I could not help but wish for some of her glamour; she always managed to look casual and perfect at the same time.  What was I thinking, to even consider this at such a time?  Seeing her just reminded me that in my mind, I was not attractive or desirable


After my father died, I received the occasional card but we never got together, even when I was within sixty miles of her.
 

I last saw her at my mother’s funeral in 2001.  She was seventy one and looked sixty.  She was full of stories about her successes, her possessions, her adventures.
 

She died on December 31, 2011.  Now I write this and realize that I had a sister, my father’s daughter, just like me, but I never really knew her.  I remember and knew illusions.  I am sad to think that I never tried to break that artificial shell she had because that was the very thing that made her so attractive.  I am sad to know that all my chances to really know the person that was Lily are gone.






Saturday, December 17, 2011

Cats and Christmas

As the holidays approach, it seems that many of us have stories to tell about our cats.  I am enjoying these stories and have a story of my own to add.  It's true there is no commercial or religious association between Christmas and cats but any cat lover has at least one picture of the family cat or cats, peering out of the branches of the Christmas tree with a tinsel wrapped nose and a wild look in their eyes.

            I have been without many things in my life, without money, without a job, without friends or a husband.  I have never been without a cat.  I have started out three times with a new husband and I always had at least one cat by my side.  I have always been fortunate to find men who liked cats.  My second husband actually considered suing for custody of our cat Gladys.  Gladys was a very charismatic cat.  Thinking back on my childhood, I wonder at my love for cats as both my parents viewed cats as slinky, sneaky animals.  My cat was only allowed in the house during the harshest weather while the family dog sat at our feet come dinner time.  All my cats found me, except one.  They appeared as starving, bedraggled kittens in the bushes, or at the back door seducing me with that plaintive meow that only kittens have.  Neighbors would report sightings of stray kittens in case I might need another cat.  I never had more than three cats in my house but the soul of a cat lady lurks inside me and I always feel sad when I have to turn a stray away.  Before Lance, all my cats were outside cats, only coming in to visit and eat. They all lived long lives.  Gladys, a grey long hair and excellent mouser lived to be twenty two.  Abby, a Siamese mix who liked to gift us with snakes lived to be twenty.  Frisky, a black and white calico allowed our daughter to dress her up in doll clothes and would sometimes disappear for days at a time.  We thought she might have more than one home.  Then there was Lance.

            Lance was the exception to the rule in more ways than one.  I found him, staring out of a cage at the mall pet store.  He was the only cat left and clearly unhappy.

  He was a beautiful marmalade kitten.  Until that day, it was my rule to not buy pet shop animals.  Many friends of mine had done so and ended up with sick, sometimes psychotic pets.  I remembered all this as I watched the kitten in his cage, pacing in circles like a tiny tiger.  Even as I considered my friends misadventures with pet shop purchases, my feet were taking the rest of me into the store, up to the counter.  It is amazing how fast your wish for something can become reality, even when you know better.   The store clerk assured me that the kitten was healthy and had been given all its shots.  So Lance became the first and only cat I bought and I was soon on my way home with a kitten instead of a shower curtain,

      At home, Lance was welcomed into the family.  My husband showed him the food and the litter box.  My other two cats, both picky old maids, retired to their favorite hiding places to sulk.  It was clear Lance would be a big cat as he was all paws and whiskers.  Of course, it was only a matter of weeks before the pet shop curse hit in the form of a respiratory infection.  He became sick on a Sunday so we made a visit to the Emergency Animal Clinic.  The diagnosis was a severe infection and he was kept overnight in a cage with an oxygen feed.  This was followed by a week long stay at my regular vets as he needed long term antibiotics and supervision.

            Upon recovery, Lance quickly became a member of our family.  He grew to be a very affectionate cat who seemed to be channeling a cocker spaniel.  There was nothing aloof or predatory about Lance.  He was an ever moving ball of orange fur who wanted nothing more than all the attention he could get.  Gradually our older cats came to accept him and all was well for two years.

            Three months after Lances’ second birthday, he appeared at the door after his usual evening outing.  When I opened the door, I saw that he was not walking but instead dragging his hind legs behind him, he was headed for the food dish.  He did not seem to be in any pain.  Settling Lance in the cat carrier, we made another trip to the Emergency Clinic.  Once there, we had a long wait as it was a busy night with many injured and sick pets waiting their turn.  I noticed one family with somber faces, huddled around an older German Shepard who lay, panting on the floor its head resting in the lap of a young girl with tears in her eyes.  Silently we waited our turn.  After what seemed like hours, we were called into an examining room.  Since Lance could not stand or walk,  X-rays were taken and we were once again in the waiting room.  The family with the German Shepard was still there but the dog was gone.  As I watched, they slowly put their coats on and left the clinic.    After another long wait, we were called back to a conference room.  The consensus of opinion was that Lance had either been grazed by a car or hit with something.  His spine appeared to be bruised but not seriously injured so we were asked to leave him there for over night observation.   

            When we returned the next morning, the doctor in charge was grim and the diagnosis had changed.  Lance was suffering from a fractured spine. We were told that his only hope was spinal surgery which would have to take place within the next few hours.  We were referred to the state college animal hospital ninety miles away. It was Sunday but the contact there said they would see Lance if we could deliver him immediately.  We were also told that without the surgery, Lance would have to be put to sleep. 

            It was the two Sundays before Thanksgiving, cold and cloudy.  As we drove to Columbia, Lance slept a medicated sleep in the cat carrier and my husband and I gave each other pep talks on modern animal medical practices.  Three hours after leaving the Emergency Clinic we were sitting in the waiting area at Columbia listening to the doctor on call explain the process, the risks and the possible outcomes.  The doctor was a woman and a teaching professor at Columbia.  Her assistants were student interns.  Lance, she explained was suffering from a partially severed spinal cord.  The tissue around the cord was rapidly swelling and that swelling would soon make surgery impossible.  If we choose to proceed, she would attempt to insert a pin to reconnect the spine.  Lance being a young cat, was a good candidate for surgery but even the best outlook suggested a much subdued life if the surgery was successful.  Lance would probably never run or climb stairs, jump or play again.  If we were lucky, he would be able to walk, use the litter box and eat.  We needed to make a decision. Now.  We thought about our house, a split level with lots of steps.  We thought about the other cats, how would they react if Lance became an invalid?  We thought mainly of Lance, would he be happy with this new restricted existence?  In the end we agreed to the surgery.  We were told to go home and wait.  If Lance was able to use the letter box within forty eight hours of the procedure, they would considerate it a success.  Otherwise, they would recommend he be put to sleep.

            It was a quiet ride home and a quiet evening.  Neither of us wanted to think that we might lose Lance.  Three days after the surgery, I heard from the doctor.  Lance was up and able to use the box.  We could come and get him on Saturday.
        
            While we waited for the intern to bring Lance, the doctor explained his at home care and his medications.  It would be weeks before he could walk and we needed to restrict his environment, she suggested a play pen.  She also described manipulations we could do as he sat in our laps, pulling and pushing his back legs to keep the muscle tone and last she reminded us not to expect too much.  If the pin healed in place and he could walk, she felt we should be happy.  As she finished up, Lance arrived and was set on the exam table in front of his carrier. All the fur covering his back had been shaved off and we could see the stitches along his spine.  He immediately dragged his body into the carrier.  He was ready to go home.

            At home, we had constructed a Lance cave out of a playpen with a plywood cover to keep the other cats out.  There was food, water and a small litter box.  Gently we lowered Lance into the playpen.  He immediately fell over and went to sleep.  For the next few weeks we had a set routine. We changed the litter, and water before we went to work.  We gave him his medication after dinner while I held him in my lap and gave him the suggested leg exercises.  He seemed to know this was good for him as he never fought us.  As the days passed he became stronger, able to push himself up to a standing position and within three weeks he was trying to claw his way out of the playpen.

            A month after the surgery, we let him out of the playpen to see what he would do.  It was immediately clear that he could walk and also clear that he was not going back to the playpen as he crawled under the couch.  From that day on he continued to heal, far surpassing the doctors forecast.  Within two months, he could go up and down the stairs.  At six months, he was running and making small jumps.

  When the surgeon did her final checks, taking another X-ray and noting his movements, she was amazed at how well he was able to get around.  She said she had never seen a cat recover from this type of surgery to the extent that Lance recovered.  I have my own theory about Lance.  No one told him he would never run or jump again.  He didn’t know he was not supposed to be able to climb the stairs.  As he recovered movement, he wanted more and the more he moved the more he wanted.   So he just kept trying.

     There is a postscript to this story. My cats no longer go outside on their own.  We built them a play garden with a six foot high fence so they can no longer run free.  It has been almost ten years since Lance was injured and I still see him, sitting on the window sill in the living room, with a look in his eye that says he would go back out there in a minute if I would just open the door.




Thursday, December 8, 2011

'Tis the Season

Every day I receive new gifts in the mail.  Calenders, mailing labels, calculators and notepads. Magnets and stickers and new pens to write with,  even money- dollar bills.  All from charities or community organizations seeking donations.  Strangely, they are spending money to create cheap gifts of every sort to entice me to donate.  I can't help wondering; would it not be more cost effective to just take the money they are using for promotional materials and pump it back into their fund raising efforts,  Just send me a request instead?  My husband received three calenders, ten dollars and a calculator in the last month and he has been dead for over a year.  Unlikely he will be moved to donate.  Did I mention that one of my cats made a brief appearance in the mailing list jungle a few years ago?  I don't know how this happened but Ms Abby was urgently solicited on several occasions.  I am sure she would have been pleased had she been able to read.  There are several organisations that I do support and I do not need to be reminded or guilt gifted.  I donate like clock work every year.  I wonder about the efficiency of an organization that spends large amounts of money on gifts designed to produce a financial return.  I wonder how this trend might work for say, The Salvation Army.  You walk be the SA Santa, He hands you a box of chocolates and maybe you give him a dollar or two?   I hate to think that this type of solicitation is actually successful because it would mean that none of us are just giving these days.  Instead, we receive an unrequested gift and then, probably in a fit a guilt, send money back.  Now that's depressing.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Just One Thing

As the family gathered today, this question came up.  What is the one thing you are most grateful for?  One thing.  The younger members declared themselves grateful for new or expected toys like i-pods, i-pads and x-boxes.  The middle group; grateful for things that spell security, the job, the savings account, the healthy family.  The older group, my group was strangely silent, most of us being in a knock on wood mode.  I have given this matter some thought as the day passed and now I have my answer.  The one thing I am most grateful for is music.

My first clear memories are filled with music, my mother playing her favorite records and later, playing the piano as I went to sleep.  Sunday school brought more music into my life, simple children’s hymns like Jesus Loves Me.  As I grew up, music came to me in many forms. Piano lessons started when I was six and continued until I was seventeen. Violin lessons began when I was ten and lasted until I was fifteen.  I sang in the church youth choir starting when I was twelve and played in the Junior High (now called Middle School) orchestra for three years.

The result of all this exposure was a deep seated appreciation for music.  I love
everything from Mozart to Pearl Jam.  Classical, Jazz. Blues, Rock, Folk all have their place in my life.  When I am depressed, Mozart is better than any pill.  When I am angry, bring on the Prokofiev.  If I can find the right musical landscape, I can repair almost anything that is bothering me.  I cannot imagine my life without music. 



So this Thanksgiving, I am truly grateful for music, all music


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The world of Now

When I began this blog, I had visions of posting daily entries on whatever caught my attention. The first thing I discovered is that even though I am retired, living a life of comparative ease I am having problems remembering to post to the blog. The second thing I discovered was that when I did remember to post there were so many things clamoring for my attention that it was hard to pick a topic.  I think this is because I live in the world of now.  Now, everything is available to me at any time, twenty four hours a day forever as long as I pay the subscription fees. My thoughts and inner dialogue are constantly challenged by the appearance of a favorite T.V, series on Netflix or the instant availability of a long awaited book, make that books, on Kindle.  Just as I begin to make headway on an emotional issue, my cell phone notifies me of some urgent communication from some vendor that I cannot live without. I can't help wondering what all technology is doing to the meditation business.  My daughter has started taking Yoga to try and relax.  I asked her how she manages to clear her mind of all distractions,  She says she is working on it.  I.m sure I have other deep thoughts on this subject buried somewhere but I have to go now as I am also behind on my e-mail.